'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...' - Charles Dickens

WARNING - This is going to be a long, rambling post! Grab yourself a cup of tea, potentially a biscuit and sit back and enjoy!

 

My very crazy ride to Motherhood

 

Darcy was not a planned pregnancy. And neither was my pregnancy just before her. In December 2012, I found out I was pregnant for the very first time. I was 23, had been with my partner for a short amount of time and it came as a very big surprise! Once we had gotten over the shock, we settled into this absolutely surreal blissful time. We were excited about our first scan and at that appointment got to hear our babies heart for the first time. Unfortunately, that's pretty much where that journey ended.

For a few weeks (I was about 11 weeks pregnant) I just didn't feel right. My doctor wasn't too concerned but knowing this was my first pregnancy, decided to send me for a scan. I will never forget that appointment. My entire world came shattering down when the sonographer couldn't find a heartbeat. I grabbed my partners hand and cried. I don't remember when I stopped crying. We went through the most brutal process of 'getting rid of the foetus' and on Valentines day 2013, I miscarried our baby. To this day, we still don't know why I didn't carry that baby to term.

The saddest part about my miscarriage was this empty feeling that just would not go away. I tried to move on, started working in a hospital and pulled myself together as best I could. Luckily my other half is the most incredible man in the world. He kept me strong when I couldn't cope anymore. However, I'm notoriously a positive person. And I needed to find something positive in this heartbreak to carry me through it. For me, that was sharing my story with others and it was then that I realised truly how many woman go through miscarriages or pregnancy losses. Some early on, some go on to have stillborn babies. My heart aches for every single one of those women. It's an unbearable pain and one that I pray you reading this will never have to endure.

I carried on with my life and threw myself into work. It was then in May of 2013 (just 3 months after our loss) that I went to the doctor feeling generally unwell. I remember the look on her face when she told me I was pregnant again. I honestly didn't know how to feel. Every ounce of excitement was destroyed by this overwhelming fear of losing this baby. I went home and my other half could tell by the look on my face what had happened.

We decided not to tell anyone until we were further along and carried on with life. As an auxillary nurse, I would work a lot of night shifts. One particular night shift, I felt horrendous. I just couldn't function! I had severe morning sickness to the point where even water wasn't staying down (I was just 7 weeks pregnant at this point.) When I got home, I crashed into a ball on the floor in unbearable pain. I was admitted to hospital that day and was attached to an IV drip. The consultant came over and said that he suspected I have Hyperemesis Gravidarum and gave me anti-sickness medication that should hopefully settle things down. Unfortunately it didn't!

I spent every single day (apart from a handful of days) in a heap on my bathroom floor. I couldn't keep water down, I didn't even have the strength to shower. I cried, I felt defeated, I felt like I was failing my baby by not eating but I just couldn't. My entire life came crashing around me and I can say hand on heart, it was a very low point in my life. I was signed off sick for my entire pregnancy, I was in and out of hospital every other week. I had IV fluids, scans galore, constant appointments and I just felt everything had gone crazy. Aside from all this, I was so grateful for the miracle growing inside me.

Me at 28 weeks pregnant.

I coped through it all thanks to incredible support and the knowledge that our baby was thriving! At every scan the baby was healthy, had a strong heart beat and was wriggling around perfectly. We eventually found out she was a girl and we decided on the name Darcy. 

Our 22 week scan. When we found out we were having a girl!

Her due date came and went and eventually at 10 days overdue she was born! I will share her birth story on a separate post as I'm sure you will have fallen asleep by this point in my story!

I will also be doing a separate post on Hyperemesis Gravidarum. If I can help one person cope, I will feel that I've accomplished something.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. If you have any questions, just pop them below. And don't forget to follow my blog!

Love Marissa and Darcy